Nobis cum semel occidit breuis lux

Everybody hates things. Whether the things are people or objects, ideals or idiosyncrasies, accents or idioms. I find it hard to figure out exactly why. I fear I succumb to the Church of Reason, and thus there are times when my more fiery emotions rise up against the most illogical, superfluous things. I know this, but as this blog is all about what I think of illogical and superfluous things, I have decided to make another list.

Yes all, it is indeed a list of the stupid things I find infuriating. Please, after perusing, feel free to submit a comment, telling us all of the silly things you find aggravating, disheartening, vexatious, exasperating and maddening. You don’t need to register, and I’m sure you’re just dying to let out all the frustration.

5 THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF; a diatribe, by Drew McMahon

1. The colloquial use of the word literally [being that, there cannot BE a hyperbolic use of the word] – Colloquial speech tends to emphasise the meanings of certain words in our language, in an attempt for us all to bring extra meaning to important points in our speech. There are a few words however, that simply cannot be blown out of proportion, one way or another. One of these words is the word “LITERALLY”. It drives me mad every time I hear the word when the situation described doesn’t warrant it. Literally, in case you don’t know, means: in accordance with, involving, or being the primary or strict meaning of the word or words. I think you can agree with me now that adding any hyperbole upon words under the stricture of the word “literally” would therefore completely discount the meaning and purpose of the word. Most of the time, this doesn’t bother me, as it is used in the heat of the moment, and when wrong, is often followed by the phrase “Well, maybe not literally, but figuratively.” But when printed in the pages of the news press, for instance, I immediately feel the need to dismiss the claims of the journalist as distended, hyperbolic and sensational speech. Why? Because if it is your job to deal in words, you should take some pride in your work and use words as they are meant to be used. Literally is one of the very few words in our language that CANNOT, cannot, and cannot be taken out of its primary definition. If you do use the word commonly, to emphasise any point you feel like making, like how you “got so drunk last night I LITERALLY DIED”, or how “Mum LITERALLY FLIPPED HER LID* when we came home after midnight ”, or any other silly thing, then please kill yourself right in the face. Literally**.
2. *Use of the word Literally, as seen above, but in a context where it is absolutely impossible, regardless of circumstances, for the phrase to ever be accurate – Note – *This sentence is impossible to literally fathom, as nobody’s mother literally has a lid to flip. This just implies a callous regard for words and their context, and makes you look like a moron.
3. **Use of previously identified phrases that simply cannot be take out of the context of their definition, as a pun or other trite, staid joke – See Point 1. – **last word, for example of lame, humourless joke. Even at junctures like this, where a point is being reinforced in a comical sense, the use of one of these phrases pisses me off, because it contradicts logic.
4. Insignificant shit that pisses other people off – I know you love your partner and friends, but occasionally we all have little things that drive us crazy, for no particular reason. For instance, perhaps your spouse leaves the toothpaste cap open, or puts the toilet roll facing the wrong way. Seriously people, how about a little pragmatism. Realise that it’s only a tiny difference, and you don’t need to have a domestic over it. We all need to learn to ignore the petty things, appreciate who we are, and stop using the word literal in phrases where it isn’t fucking meant.
5. People who cannot understand irony. Or double irony, or even triple irony, if you know me really well.